..She knew it would take forever.

21^st November, 2013.

“But, my career is more important. You distract me. High time we part. If destined, life will make us meet again’’ he snapped and she shook up with a sudden jerk. Breathing heavily, she cursed herself for poisoning her mind watching those Hindi-soaps lately.

“Thank God it was a dream. Kaustubh can never dump me. Never will” she thought splashing cold water on her face and walking back to bed.

*I unread message* the 8 inch long device blinked.

Her inner Goddess danced. She knew who it was. Adjusting herself under the cold blanket and mushy pillows she clicked ‘open’ giggling like a 16 year old teenager.
And, that was it. The universe halted to a pause. November was not cold anymore. Blanket, no more comforting.

The typical dewy-eyed was forced back to the sands of time.

20^th June, 2012.

Tanya was jogging on the tracks of Chinese Park with ‘It’s a beautiful world’ humming in her ears when this striking outline of a man passed across her talking on the phone. But something in the air was so exciting, something so magical when their eyes met and the humid air suddenly transformed into a magical, exciting one. Their eyes met for a nanosecond and the world collapsed.

He could feel the chill in his spine and dragons in his stomach.
She could smell the intoxicating fragrance which would take an eternity to expunge her brain cells.
He cursed himself for not wearing the Blue T-Shirt.
She cursed herself for not brushing her hair.

..And, they were no more into sight. The force separated them.

21 year old Tanya would drool metaphorically every night thinking about the nameless-guy.
But, time swept fast. The nerd had no time for love and hopes were given up. Faith lost.
Though she would still wish for HIM every day when she visited the Gurudwara.
Religion was brutally followed now.

2^nd January 2013, 8 p.m.

The red-nosed girl sneezed for the 5^th time struggling with her oregano in the infinite queue of Reliance Fresh when she heard a similar voice squeaking his name for the third time ‘K-A-U-S-T-U-B-H’ yes, yes! It’s ‘U-S-T’.
Her head pounded due the sudden rush of blood and she turned behind in reflex.
Faith was again misplaced.
Smiling to herself she pondered ‘Blue suits him’ and walked out of the store.
Oregano was no more an essential ingredient for her pizza.


For the first time in her well spent 21 years of life, Miss Tanya Tandon did not think of the ‘people’ and continued smiling liked an idiot on the street.

“I finally know his name.” She IM-ed her best friend well versed with the mystery of the nameless; now-with-a-name guy.

“Screw you. Get over the jerk” the reply came. Which was –without any second thought- ignored. And, deleted.

She finally had ‘good’ reason to switch on the mean machine on her table.
45 minutes was all it took to find HER Kaustubh among 84652136 other Kaustbh’s, as it seemed.
Ignoring her conscience which made her feel like a desperate witch, she sent a friend request.

It was accepted within second.
Within minutes, giggles shared.
Within hours digits exchanged.
Within days, relationship statuses changes.

There was something surreal about them. Nobody could ever refrain envying them. From the old uncle who visited the same park for yoga where they met; to the little kids who played cricket with Kaustubh when Tanya showed up late. (Everyday)

Perhaps, only until the last message.

(21^st November, 2013)

Far away from all what WAS, she was now undergoing the most horrifying shock of her life. Everything within her, numbed. No tears. No swears. She lay on the bed, silent. Nothing registered her mind. The echo of his message was terribly beating against her eardrums. She curled up squeezing her legs. She re-read;

“But, my career is more important. You distract me. High time we part. If destined, life will make us meet again’’

Tears flickered but did not fall.
The fighter inside her raged.
Tanya Tandon did not let her life pause.
She did not whine or complain.

“I want to get married” she declared next morning. Leaving her parents rejoice.
Arrangements were instantly completed. Everything set-up.

31^st December, 2013.

28 days was all it took for Miss Tanya Tandon to become Mrs. Tanya Raj Kapoor.
Everything was good again.

Though, somewhere in the dark deep  buried tales of the night, the fragrance still lingered and felt. She knew it would take forever for the fragrance to expunge her brain cells.

Desires.

Pungent smell of medicines. Sweating foreheads. Bitten nails. Shivering shoulders. Puppy glances. Restless legs.

They sat on a cold metal chair; they had finally managed to capture after a series of unfortunate events and unsuccessful attempts. It’s never easy to grab a chair when so many eyes are transfixed at it.

‘’Chai?’’ She offered.

But he was too busy to answer. Fighting the tears and resisting the temptation.

She shook him slightly and ‘get lost!’ he screamed, with a jerk.

“What’s wrong with this man?” She wondered and managed passing the crowd of murmurs; stumbling and falling.

Pranav and Priya were a newly-wed couple; unlike the newly-wed couples; who were anxiously waiting for an alleviating opposite the bench of the ICU room, Care Hospital.
Pranav’s mother was apparently hit by a motorcycle when went for grocery shopping a week back; perhaps, was supposed to show “signs of recovery” gaining back senses and responding to touch.

The couple had miraculously been able to leave their quarrels within the four walls and deal with the situation in co-ordination.  At least, until the last hour. But that was not all what bothered the lean, dusky and intense grey-eyed man.  Not just Priya and her recent annoying habits; or the obvious worry and stress for his “aai”; his soul hid something else. A deep, dark, unsaid secret.
For him, Life was too grim for levity.

His forehead did not only sweat tension, but desire.

“12 ki nahi! 10 ka rate hai!” fought the lady in sky-blue salwar kameez with the vendor, and saving two rupees started walking back to her husband. Or, ‘suffocation’, as she lately devised.
She boiled with rage and fury but had promised to stand by her lawfully accepted mother, and so she did. Also, if not she, WHO?
Fighting her own thoughts and embracing the difficulties with her smile, she took short steps back to the ICU. With a chai in her right hand for the suffocation.

Lost in her own world she was brought back to life by a man in green robe and a face mask.. “Must be a doctor”, she thought.

“Are you the one attending Saraswati?” he inquired.

“Yes, I am her daughter” she shot her words, now soaked in fear.

The face was invisible. Expressions, unread. It could be anything. She prepared herself for the most lamenting news.
“Your mother is safe now. Congratulations! She has finally started responding to us. Celebrate, celebrate!” he screamed and went.

She was filled with a sudden sense of accomplishment. No words in her dictionary could ever describe the feeling; the state of happiness she experienced. Forgetting all the grievances, she ran for Pranav; but he was nowhere to be seen.

She knew where he was and died a little inside. But anyhow, ran to the window and grabbed the man who appeared to be a shadow.

“Baby! Mumma has recovered. Our aai can go back home now!! Let’s go and see her, together” she chirped with a grin sufficient to make every person’s mood on the floor.

But, it was too late. Pranav had touched euphoria. Cocaine had already dried the sweat off his head. The desire was satisfied, and brain at rest.

With the crimson tip of his nose and dizzy blackening sight, he pushed her wife and yelled “WHO AAI?”

Suppressed

One day, the angels said to God : ''This world is gloomy, without a woman my Lord!'' So, He decided to make a female. But, nothing much was left after the creation of a male.
So, He gathered

The splendour of the moon.,

And softness from a parrot's plume.

Trembling from a grass,

Silence of a portrait,

Delicacy of a petal,

and elegance of a pearl !

Resolution from a rock,

And also, vanity from the peacock.

Astonishment from the mirror,

Fidelity from a sunflower,

Tears from the lie,

Timidity of a hare,

And strength of a mare !

Why was I, not born a boy?

When all of it was finally moulded into a figure, it was found to have eternal beauty, and brain, too - in full measure ! The Lord decided to call it a 'Woman', and sent her from Heaven, to Earth.
But, in this golden age, when she came over here, gender bias became her main fear.If her parents bought her to this world, why did they tend to become her destroyer?Slowly dying, mournfully crying..She sits under the vast blue skies.When a thought approaches her mind, and a scream approaches her heart..Why is she alone? Why so 'Suppressed' ?
Woe begone, and with a mind full of thoughts, she calls for her mother but, is eventually berated upon!
And she ponders, if Durga and Lakshmi  are worshipped as 'maa' why is she not at their par? With wits and scars, she screams but loud.. She had a wish to touch the clouds..And, in the end she dies with a tear in her eye, and a question in her mind..
''Why was I, not born a boy?''

Dear torture, I BID THEE ADIÓS!

[A note for the reader: This article was written for my friend who went through a heartbreak. Written in first person to avoid complexities. I hope you like it.]

Okay. I don’t really know where to start from, how to start and what to write BUT since it has to start, let’s give this start the name of start. [If you were expecting to find a fervent or languish piece of writing under this title, then I'm sorry to disappoint you.]

“It’s not working anymore’’, She said.
‘’That’s entirely your fault’’, He said.
‘’Oh. It’s always my fault! Why don’t you dump me then?’’ she cried.
‘’Oh! I’d love to. I LEAVE YOU, girl! You don’t deserve me’’ he stated, he smiled, a haughty smile and left.

And, she howled and screamed and wailed. This world is selfish. Everything around me is depressing. I’m worthless, useless. I’m full of anxiety, uneasiness, and stress. Nobody loves me. I have nothing to look forward to. These troubles have adamantly stood beside me all through my short-lived-life. Oh God! Why don’t you just send a truck which hits me when I walk by the pavement and KILL ME? She pondered, and slept.

Hey! I’m a 21st century teenager. My boyfriend just dumped me. I loved him, but eventually things didn’t set right, because of ME, my shortcomings, defects, flaws and errors. [That’s what HE has to say, at least] I don’t really deserve to exist! I have nothing to freaking exist for! I mean come on? How would I face the world without a boyfriend, a wardrobe; which is so oblivion of all the “in” clothes? And, then the unholy absence of gadgets like an Xbox, android-supporting-cell phone, [which supports FB, Whatsapp, Viber, G-Talk, Skype], an iPod, iPad, just fills the basics. But that’s not all! I have to excel in every field [that’s what most of my elders expect, at least] And then, this size zero age. Which means, shaking my ass off this bean bag and more of walking, running, jumping, gyming! And, if that does not fit the bill, dieting might also peep through! But wait! That’s not where I end. I have to look fab. I have to buy a zillion of dresses. Watch all the latest movies. Update myself with all the happenings and mis-happenings. Maintain my ‘image’ in the society. Counsel a defeated friend. Modernize myself. ‘Behave’ in front of guys by making sure that I don’t wear short clothes, for that might ‘tempt’ them. Excel in all walks of life. Take care of pados-ki-meena-aunty, delhi-waali-bua and every tom-dick-harry around me. Update my Facebook profile, get some new pictures [and also, at least a hundred likes] Phew! I try to rest. But the thought of not getting admitted in a respectable school with a ‘respectable’ subject, the thought of pleasing everyone around me, the thought of living up to everybody’s expectations, resides somewhere in my brain, standing like a monster giving me a sly grin.




According to the world and *bahar ke chaar log* who tend to align our lives, I have a perfect reason to kill myself. Create a shell around myself, stop socializing and become an irritating teenager. But hey! Wait. Mumma significantly spent a lot of shekels on my education. [Ignoring the fact, that it’s just been 12 years of schooling. Because, anyhow it does matter.] I’m not going to waste it all. Let me deal this with wisdom. It’s time to put all the “enlightments”, all the hey-don’t-give-up teachings, [by oh-so-learned teachers], the lectures teemed up with optimism, the preaching’s of those motivating and inspiring pictures on Facebook to EXECUTION.

YO! Dear pessimistic thoughts, NO! I’m not killing myself. Or, becoming that one annoying and creepy 15-year-old that yells at everybody around and blames *kismat* for every loss. Rather, I’m going to kill you! And every single hint of your mere presence. This, is the time, to LET IT GO. I mean, imagine! Imagine a life without these flings? These worries, these sorrows, the heartbreaks, these downs? Woah. NOW THAT IS DEPRESSING! Isn’t it? The mere thought of leading a worry-free life is, tormenting! And makes me realize, DUDE! How would I even feel and realize that I actually LIVE? Eh. “A tension free life” Where everything would be flowery, colorful, delightful, rejoiceful, and, and just ‘perfect’. Well, No thanks! For, *Life* is a synonym for complication, anyway! How can ‘I’ be spared? Moreover, why should I be spared? All this defines ME. Tells me, I’m normal. I’m living. Tells me, grief is a part and parcel of this beautiful journey! This has to happen. We need to be defeated. To be dejected. At last, we’re humans not robots!

Soooo, hey my loyal companion aka lamenting notions, why don’t we part? You aren’t of any worth, anyway. For the best, you’d just magnify the griefs, the pains and put me into a despondent and low-spirited state! And, I don’t let you do that just for the sake of that one lets-commit-suicide thought, which incidentally crossed my mind. I know you can forgive me for that! Even the most intellectual spooks have once through their lifetime, acknowledged these gruesome thoughts and have been moved by the emotion! So why not me? I can’t be flawless. I can’t walk matching shoulders with you. I won’t give up. I’ll never give up. I’ll stand up again. I’ll not let these worldly things overpower the heavenly things around me. I have faith in me. In my God, in my mom, and that’s enough! I can’t achieve the plethora of perfection. I’ll be ME.

Coaching, coacing, coaching.

A note for the reader : This is just a humour-intended post written by me, which reads about my friend and myself. All wild and weird kinda stuff, which takes place everyday -pre, during and post- the coaching hours. And, I wrote this article way back. Someday in 2011. So if you're expecting a mature piece of writing, this is so not for you. Anyway, I hope you like it :)

PS Every statement made in this note is true and by any means does not refers to me- The writer. I am just a mere observer and endurer of all the happenings around me. Any claims made by the protagonist i.e. Richa Dwivedi about its authenticity need not to be entertained.

''Repeated takes every day. ENJOY'' :D

*Take 1* : This part usually takes place near our hot spot ''Rashika General Store''Miss Richa : [After adjusting her hair] Behen kitni dhoop hai ! Chalo yaar ! Tum hamesha time waste karti ho ! [As if mere liye toh dhoop hai he nai] -__-

*Take 2* : At the coaching [If I am near]Richa : Yaar baal theek hai? Chalein? Acha ekk min ruko last baar sheesha dekh loon. (After spending another two mins with the mirror) Chalo yaar ! Yeh dhoop. Hey bhagwaan ! [Only worried about her looks.]






*Take 3* : While entering the waiting room (and YET AGAIN glancing at the mirror quickly) :Yaaar ! Bhook lag ri hai. Neend bhi aa rai hai. Kya batau school se aate he coaching. Acha thoda udhar khisko. Let me also sit. Sab chilla kyu rahe hain yaar !

*Take 4* : Yaaaaar ! Garmiiii !! [Repeating the same lines AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN !]

*Take 5* : The next best thing she does everytime while doing maths - YAWNS.Then suddenly laughs. Gets scolded, and ALWAYS blames me. [Poor me]

*Take 6* : After solving 2-3 sums. Yaaaar ! pyaas lag ri hai ! Paani hai?And if I say no. Gives me those infuriated looks, Asks Disha, and everybody around.And finally back to me – Tum kisi layak nai ho ! Then, *yawning* Neend aa ri hai ! [She’s sleepy, hungry. Thirsty and what not, all in THAT particular hour]

*Take 7* : If she gets water from Disha. Smiles at her. Again gives me looks. And then toh you can imagine. RICHA and WATER ! :P

*Take 8* : When finally Robin Sir gets irritated and asks us to work:Richa : Scribbles some 2x3x4 stuff in her note book.[Just to act]

*Take 9* : After solving some more sums. Looks at me, BEHEN !! I can't solve anymore yaar ! Bahaut difficult hai. Neeend aa ri hai bey! Jasleen, yaar. Kya karein? Kya hoga tests mei? Hum fir latak jayeinge! Ufff.. Pareshan hoon mai toh.. *YAWNS* .. and back to books. [Acting again]

*Take 10* : After some bakwass, laughs continuously at her own PJ’s and some random silly stuff [and makes me too] [She doesn't even lets me work at my workplace with full dedication]

*Take 11* : After wasting another 25minutes. Yaaar ! 4:25 ho gaye ! Sir bhej kyu nahi rahe? Thak gayi mai ! [NAA JAANE YEH THAKAAN KAB DOOR HOGI]

*Take 12* : After sir leaves us and we go downstairs. Behen ! Chalo jaldi ghar chalein. Ab rukkkna mat ![She never ever lets me talk to any other person, hence destroying my social circle]

*Take 13* : After we leave scholars. Yaar behen paise hain? Chillicks khaani hai! And, poor me. I always have to nod my head in affirmation and, IF by any chance, I don't; Same old taunt : ''Kitni kanjooos ho yaar tum''

*Take 14* : At the chillicks thela. Looks at that rat faced chiilicks wala bandha. Demand the flavour 4-5 times and, finally ends up at the very first choice she made earlier. [Confused Chick :X] Then, gives a satisfactory smile and asks me to move. [When will she understand I can’t eat and ride at the same time ! I mean come on? I don't want to risk my life at mere 14 ]

*Take 15* : Near Rashika- The hot spot. Well, all she does there is Yapping Yapping and Yapping ! Then idiotically laughs at some stuff continuously for a few minutes. And ,now comes the BEST part of the day. that dialogue, which she NEVER EVER forgets : ''Behen mai kitni kaali ho gayi hun'' [ How on earth am I supposed to help it?]

Well, This is what Miss Dwivedi does everyday at the coaching. :P :P And please note : In the wee hours of tiring day I could not recall much of it, But still did an attempt to the best I could. [This note was completed within 10 minutes of typing. So any typo part by the writer – Of course me- Should kindly be ignored ]

Thank-You :D